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February 21, 2005
Pointless? Pointless. (Nihilistic sorta thing, here.)
There are two kinds of things I enjoy watching/reading/etc. One is something that energizes me. Fills me to the brim with happiness, makes me want to dance, and so on. The other is things that appeal to my darker, more depressed side. Things that make me look my own stupidity and futility in the face and say "Hey, so you do exist." The John Constantine stuff I read today goes into the second category.
I mean, sure, Constantine isn't the best guy in general. But, as far as I've read, every single time he attempts to help someone or remedy a situation, he either fails pretty badly, killed a close friend, or both. That's the kind of futility my depression wants to see, so it can point out how my life isn't going anywhere and how I will probably never accomplish anything besides getting to the next level with my World of Warcraft character or totalling another car. On one hand, recently, I've sorta come to terms with this. I don't feel like that's so bad. I enjoy playing WoW, I enjoy all my stupid little hobbies and habits that I'm obsessed with. But on the other hand, I mean, I do want to be someone. I'd love to teach, I really would. That would be something I would like to go and do everyday. But school is all... something. I can't focus. I used to think it was just because I wasn't right yet, body-wise, and I'm sure that has a part in it. But it's something else. It all feels so useless. It feels like I will do this forever and nothing will come of it. Just like anything else. So I can't focus on it.
I dunno. Obviously I'm in a depressedish and nihilistic mood right now. I don't really want to go to my night class, but I suppose I should. I hope I did decently on the test last week. Maybe she won't return it... heh... who knows. I'd skip it if I had something to do, but outside my house, I don't. So fuck it, I'll go. Maybe I'll learn how to graph sentences, that'll be exciting, I suppose.
Hopefully there's a new Monster House tonight, too, so I can do that later... also, as a random note, the picture I have of Constantine from reading those comics is soooo far from Keanu Reeves. He's a blonde-haired Brittish Chain-smoker guy. He calls cigarettes fags for crying out loud. That's not Keanu Reeves. But fuck, what do I know... Essner said the movie was quite nice, and I trust his judgement. *shrugs*
Later.
Posted by poetfox at February 21, 2005 03:49 PM
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