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September 04, 2005

Audio Blog Entry: I'm not a good skeptic and other tales of amazingness!

Hey, wow, look, I blogged again. I bet you're shocked.
In this one I ramble on about signing meetings, new podcasts I've subscribed to, why I'd make a crappy skeptic, Mama, and my new site I totally made yesterday. But mostly I just ramble.
18 minutes! Whoo! I didn't talk for insanely long this time! Yay!

Posted by poetfox at September 4, 2005 04:50 AM

Comments

Hey, I'm posting my fanfic on your blog again, cause it seemed to work fairly well last week.

This week's topic is "Your perfect day at work". Here's my fanfic:

Starring:
Matt; Essner
Jay; Matt's Boss

Matt: (clocking in) Here we go again. Another day another dollar...well more like another thirty dollars.
Jay: Matt, wait! Before you go on your route, I need to talk to you.
Matt: Sure Jay. I got a little bit of time.
Jay: Ok, firstly. Matt, you are the mac shit meter operator, you're the mac shit screener, you're the mac shit hand sorter, you're the mac shit mLOCR runner, in short, you rock the house to the foundation.
Matt: Well thanks.
Jay: No thank you. Anyway, I've decided to give you a raise. You are now getting paid seven dollars an hour more than Droib.
Matt: Sounds fair.
Jay: Also, we've decided that since you do so much, you need a personal assisstant.
Matt: I'm not sure that's necessary...
Jay: It is. She starts today, but I must warn you, she's not from around here. Her's is a strange culture who's primary form of communication is variations on a series of very expressive blow jobs. I would tell you her name, but I think that would put us in a fairly awkward position professionally.
Matt: Yeah...
Jay: Anyway, good luck. She's in the van as well as all of the money we owe you. You see, we decided to make your raise retroactive.
Matt: Wow... ok.
Jay: And you don't really need to show up to work anymore. We'll just pay you, and you can do whatever.
Matt: Ok... i'll probably come in to work though.
Jay: That's fine. Oh, one last thing. We've decided to equip you with the Druid Skill trees, D2 Style! So you can summon wolves and bears and stuff to...you know... help you with your route... or whatever. Plus the Dexterity bonus of Werewolf form will help you... um... be freakin sweet.
Matt: Wow! Awesome
Jay: Also, I'm quitting. Meet your new boss.
New Boss: Hi, we're John Flansburgh and John Linnell of They Might Be Giants. We don't know anything about mail, but we do know how to rock. Hit it! http://www.dialasong.com/index_frames.html

Posted by: piman at September 4, 2005 03:42 PM

BEN’S GOOD DAY AT WORK
By Benjamin. J Essner

“Mr. Essner? Mr. Essner? It’s time to wake up Mr. Essner!” whispered a voice into Ben’s ear. Ben woke up to look at the source of that voice, his lovely wife, the beautiful Kirsten Dunst. She still called him Mr. Essner even though they’d known each other for five years and had been married for three. Ben didn’t know why, but he’d been meaning to talk with her about it.
“What is it, Kirsten?” Ben asked sweetly.
“You have to get up. It’s nine o’clock. We have to be on set at eleven.”
“Oh, that’s right,” Ben kissed his wife tenderly on the cheek. But I won’t tell you which one. Kirsten sighed.
“Last night was wonderful, Mr. Essner!” she exclaimed breathily.
“Yeah,” replied Ben. “That was so awesome when I got to level 999 in Tetris. And then the sex we had afterwards was great too.”

A few hours later (How many? I’ll leave that up to your imagination…) on the set of Ben’s new movie Spider-Man 6: Spider-Man And Venom Beat The Crap Out Of Each Other Ben sat talking with the film’s co-star: Bruce Campbell.
“…and then I stuffed the pool cue directly into his mouth,” Ben said. Both men enjoyed a hearty laugh at the hilarious punchline to Ben’s anecdote.
“Haha,” Ben continued. “True story.”
An aide walked up to Ben and nervously cleared his throat.
“E-excuse me, Mr. Essner?”
“Yes Kirsten, what is it?” Ben turned around to discover his wife was not standing there. “Oh, I beg your pardon. I thought you were someone else.”
“M-Mister Essner, sir, the studio called again. They still want you to consider changing the name of the film.”
“Why? ‘Spider-Man 6: Spider-Man And Venom Beat The Crap Out Of Each Other’ isn’t good enough for them? I mean, it describes exactly what’s going to happen in the film. I won’t be accused of promising something I can’t deliver!”
“Well, yes sir, but… the studio’s afraid it might be a bit too descriptive. And they’re not comfortable with the word ‘crap’ in the title. They want this film to appeal to kids as young as five years old.”
“And why wouldn’t it? It’s got everything a five-year-old could love! Action, suspense, romance, horrifying torture, monsters popping out of closets and beneath children’s beds, parents being murdered by the boogie-man, endless scenes of parents getting divorced because of something the children did…”
Actually the film had none of these things. Well, it had action, suspense, and romance, but not the other stuff. Ben just liked making sure the studio was constantly horrified. In fact, he’d never originally intended for Spider-Man 6: Spider-Man And Venom Beat The Crap Out Of Each Other to be the permanent title. He’d just attached that to his first script as an interim title until he could think of a better one. But it had been sent back from the studio with an obnoxious note saying “Change this title”. So because of the studio’s stupidity, he’d declared that Spider-Man 6: Spider-Man And Venom Beat The Crap Out Of Each Other was the title he wanted and it was going to stay, whether the studio liked it or not. The aide eventually gave up trying to reason with Ben and went away. He was then approached by the film’s star, Tobey Maguire.
“Ben,” Tobey began. “I have a few questions about my character.”
“Shoot,” Ben responded sincerely.
“Mainly what I want to know,” Tobey started. “…is why you feel I have to spend the entire second half of the film shirtless.”
Ben sighed sadly and shook his head. “Tobey. Tobey. Tobey, Tobey, Tobey. Tobey, Tobey, Tobey, Tobey, Tobey, Tobey, Tobey. You don’t need to understand why your character goes for so long without a shirt. What’s important is that I understand. And that the audience understands. You don’t need to worry about it. Now get to your mark and let’s see that manly chest, skinny-boy.”
Tobey did as he was asked, and the day’s shooting progressed flawlessly. At the end of the day, they were actually two weeks ahead of schedule. As Ben lay in bed next to his wife who still called him Mr. Essner, he thought about how today had been his best day at work.

Posted by: daltysmilth at September 4, 2005 09:06 PM

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