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August 14, 2007
There's Some Bargaining With Myself and Some Depressed Ranting In This Post.
I want one of these. I was on the fence while I thought it had no good support for IM programs, but I've since found a way to install Pidgin on it. I want it. So I've come to a decision. I'm going to put my brokenish lappy up on ebay tommorow. I've been needing to do that anyway. If I can raise at least half the cost of that from that auction, I'll let myself buy one. Sound fair, internet? Maybe? Eh, we'll see. I shouldn't buy anything, but if nothing else I need to try to recoup the cost of the lappy anyway, so at least that's some motivation.
And I mean, I don't need it. But I'd like to be able to lie down once and awhile and not be away from my beloved internets. I'd like to relax and chat with Brer. I really would.
Also, the fact that I've been incredibly depressed recently probably factors into this. I want something fun to entertain myself. I want nice things. I want to deserve nice things. I don't. But I'd like to.
I wish I was able to easily pin down why I've been so depressed. I really don't know. I just know that after recent talks with Brer, I have even less motivation about school than I did before... eh, I dunno if I want to say this on the blog, because he'll read it... but I'm wanting to say it and I need to be open so what the fuck...
We had a conversation about after I graduate and he was all "You probably shouldn't come to me you should find a good, well paying job and worry about that first." And I understand. It's good advice... but I don't want to do that... I don't want to focus on yet another thing before doing what I've been wanting to do since high school... if I make myself get a career before I do all that shit, who knows how long it'll take.
But it's not just that... it's just the idea of transitioning and finding a real job and living without the people I've grown up with all at the same time is amazingly fucking scary. Any one of those is scary. I'd want to do them all at once. I should, really. But I just... in my head, I was going to graduate and then live with him... and then it would be better... I'd have someone on my side... you know? I wouldn't be all alone... but... it's not what's best.
What's best is never what I want. Ever. I'm really sick of it.
Tommorow I should put things on ebay and get my oil changed and go to work. I want to just lay in bed all day, though.
Posted by poetfox at August 14, 2007 01:45 AM
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