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January 03, 2005

This Week's Fanfic Entry: Grossinator... STOLEN!

"Hi there! Welcome to Matthew's Sanrio Boutique! May I interest you in some white mana today?"
It was a bright and sunny day. The birds were chirping. The grass was singing in the plains. Everything was awesome. And Matthew Long, Defense Mage, was working in his Sanrio Boutique.
"No, I don't think so," said the odd, cloaked person who had just entered the store.
"Oh? Perhaps some lifegain, then?"
"No."
"Oh..." Matthew thought for a moment. "Then what?"
"YOUR SOUL!" The cloaked person attacked, his (or her) indistinct hands gripping Matthew's neck and attempting a hardcore choke maneuver!
"Shitballs! Walls, come to my aid!" Matthew cried! The walls of the store quickly tapped themselves, preventing all damage to their comrade. He shoved the mysterious attacker off of him. "Now to deal with you!"
"Not like you'll take me alive, bitch. I was just a diverson for my minon!" The mysterious figure pointed at a Risk Soldier piece, dragging the fabled Grossinator out from it's hiding place behind the counter and into the mysterious figure's awaiting hands!
"The Grossinator! Why, the power it weilds could destroy this land!"
"Yes, yes it could, and now it is mine! Muh ha ha ha!" The figure began to leave.
"Wait! Who are you?" Matthew cried out as he slowly walked out.
The figure turned. "You You Bastard." And then he (she) left.
"Who is You You Bastard... and what could he be planning to do with the Grossinator?" Matthew thought aloud needlessly. "Could he be planning to destroy this land? With the Grossinator? I can't let that happen! I better call Essner and see if he can help me!" He picked up the phone and dialed...
"Hey, is Essner there?"
"No, sorry, he left a little while ago... I think he went to Buchhiet's?"
"Oh, okay." He tried again...
---
Meanwhile, in Everquest...
---
"Ha, you're a Homonculous now!" Jonathan, Wizard Adept proclaimed.
"Ow, my scrotum." the newly crowned Homonculous said.
---
Meanwhile, back at the Sanrio Boutique...
---
"Essner?"
"Yes, it's me, Essner, Avatar of the Wild, currently getting +1/+1 for each green creature in play."
"We've got a bit of a situation."
"Oh, what kind of situation? Can I guess?"
"Um, okay, sure. Guess."
"Can I have a BIG HINT first?"
"Sure... um... the problem may or may not involve genetailia."
"You You Bastard stole the Grossinator???"
"...what? How did you get that from that horrible hint?"
"Um, because it was big. Duh. So what are we going to do about it?"
"Get it back?"
---
Meanwhile, at You You Bastard's secret hideout...
---
"You're like. A Revolting. Putrid. Snot."
"How dare you insult me, vile machine!"
---
Meanwhile, back at the Sanrio Boutique...
---
"That's insane, Essner. Insane."
"It's the only way."
"Okay then, if it's the only way..."
"It is."
"Yes, apparently so."
"Yes."
"To You You Bastard's Secret Hideout!"
---
Meanwhile, at You You Bastard's Secret Hideout...
---
"...scab."
"You asshole of a machine... tell me your secrets!"
"There's nothing like. An awful. Oozing. Mmmmbooger!"
"Hold it right there, You You Bastard!" Two figures jumped into the scene unexpectedly!
"Flying poo in a saucer of flaming milk! It's Matthew Long, Defense Mage and Essner, Avatar of the Wild!" You You Bastard exclaimed, looking shocked.
"The same!" Matthew said, striking an overly gay pose and weilding... THE PURPLE FLAME!
"You've met your match, cockmonger!" Essner said, riding in little circles on THE THINKING SCOOTER!"
"You'll never take me alive!" You You Bastard proclaimed.
"Then we'll take you dead!" Essner said.
"Or at least in a vegetable-like state." Matthew added.
"But you forget, I have the GROSSINATOR!" You You Bastard pressed a button on the Grossinator.
"It's time for. A disgusting. Oozing. Fart." Matthew and Essner both recieved a poison counter.
"Gods, you bitch. Nine more, and we lose!"
"Yes! Muh ha ha ha ha ha!"
And then, Chuck Norris, Winner appeared, and won.
Yes, I got bored with where this was going.
The end.

Posted by poetfox at January 3, 2005 01:19 PM

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